Crois-moi

     by the way: yes, I know that as this, #26, is current, the links to pages 27 and 28 do not work, because those pages do not exist. the links are there anyway, because I know I will be too lazy to go back and fix the nav as I update the site. so, no, you can’t fast forward to the future. 27 and 28 aren’t there.
     rain isn’t always a bad thing. it frizzes your hair, but it also makes standing on a balcony the best thing you could do with your day. you can go attempt to be a normal suburbanite, but the traffic and the retail will just lead you back to that balcony. the rain hems you in and keeps you from running away. nice, nice.
     for once: if someone asked me how my day went, I could tell them that it went really well. yum. I feel relaxed and renewed, thanks to those two boys.
     zack, get the cornrows. do it.
     and jon… thanks.

     by the way: yes, I know that as this, #25, is current, the links to pages 26 and 27 do not work, because those pages do not exist. the links are there anyway, because I know I will be too lazy to go back and fix the nav as I update the site. so, no, you can’t fast forward to the future. 26 and 27 aren’t there.
     yes, stack this day up on top of the pile of crazy ones I’ve been hoarding lately. goodness.
     so… wow. yeah. I don’t even know that I want to talk about it, other than to say that I didn’t mean to run away so hard. there is a method to my madness, though whether I communicated that or not is sort of unclear to me.
     oh, well. push onward into another day, which I have been quietly looking forward to since I planned it. this one will be crazy in an entirely different way. scratch that – it’s not gonna be crazy at all.

     I enjoy words that I can stretch out or ball up, with interesting combinations of letters and delicious diphthongs… like incandescent, ephemeral, evanesce, cassiopeia. relish those words. also relish words like relish, and crackle, and glimmering. and words like stutter and lisp, which mock the people who are tormented by them. yes, WORDS. glory, glory.
     and music, so much of it, that slips into the valves and ventricles and beats my heart for me.
     but… I feel it and I can’t share it with you. this internet writing is one long standing in a corner, facing the wall, and SHOUTING like I’ll get something back other than the reflection of my own voice. I fill up with all of the minor wonderfuls I’ve packed away, and they can only spill into kilobytes and pixels.
     so maybe yes, maybe that is all I have to say for today. learning and witnessing and breathing is enough sometimes; thank goodness for that.

     days of too much! too much. tomorrow is our attempt at a rally for peace, but we haven’t even gotten anything straight for it, so the big ominous is rattling around in my head.
     so wake up early tomorrow, kat. get your shit straight. don’t mess things up.
     yes, well, I am having trouble with this SCHOOL thing. how many weeks left? seven or eight, methinks… and three days before weekendtastic.
     that’s right, got another action-vacuum-packed weekend slated to occur in approximately 68 hours. need it to come NOW. now, now, now, now, now…

     kapow? yes, that is how I am feeling. thank you.
     wonder if I can actually be doing myself any good with all of this. the middle-of-the-nights and phone calls and smilings and moments that ought to tip over some edge or other, but don’t.
     because I thought that this would be a day for sorting and shedding, but it’s only added to the whatthehellamidoingness. so… I will listen to some music and take a few deep breaths and sleep, and perhaps while I sleep, a time-travel wormhole will open above my house and spit out a nice big jet engine to turn me into a hole in the ground.
     and then I won’t have to ask myself what I am doing!

     sometimes my body says, “NOW, let’s -” but I can’t listen. well, I did once. it doesn’t make any difference though. doomed to fail!
     so, tonight was bleh.
     tomorrow? mr. mukai, but I have a feeling he moved me earlier in his day to make room for someone else. feels good, doesn’t it?
     it’s that feeling again, the one that likes to nibble on me. I’m not gonna get anywhere until I get out of here… but first there are obstacles…
     like I’m not gonna matter to anyone again, or that I won’t be able to care so much ever again. even though I trainwrecked. and all the in-between won’t matter either.
     but I guess in the end none of it matters. give me existentialism.
     fuck! what am I doing? this is where you say, “forget everything I just said, I didn’t mean it, good night!”
     but it’s no good. perdu.

     much, much. the parents are inhuman, so it’s no snocore for kitty. I’m busy, but indescribably bored with life. balance is tipped ever so slightly to the shitty side, and I’m wearing away.
     never thought I’d find myself where I did yesterday. when I think of girls writing to their soldiers who are off at war, I think of world war II, and girls entirely unlike me… but I guess if anyone was to be the girl back home, it would be me. he flew away two nights ago, right when bush was letting the world know that he means to send our boys out in their tin tanks to show mr. iraq that by gosh, it is time to finish daddy’s fight. so I am a little worried. but I wrote him a letter, and I will write more of them, and with any luck he will be safe and he will write me back. or show up on my doorstep.
     and… could it be that we are progressing? who knows? all of that anger and ego that turned me red and black over the past few weeks has settled and compacted into a comfy ache that means to hang around for a long time. I can live with that, though. antagonism doesn’t do anybody any good.
     kids care more than I knew. that is good.
     so… other snippets: this weekend ought to be tolerable, as long as I stay busy… no car in sight… began practicing yoga – incredibly great… wow. I really can’t shake this feeling. tired and devoid of optimism.

     these past few days have been quite a dredging of memories I forgot I’d had. found my old notebooks, relived all of that angst. quite a lot of potent, balled-up energy has passed through me. it’s hard to imagine that now – recently I’ve been mostly indifferent to things.
     rediscovered the telephone as a conduit for real communication. I’ve spent quite a chunk of time on the phone.
     still and all, I am feeling aimless. now that I have this life again, I don’t really know where to put it. not gonna sink it into anyone else, don’t really have anything to tempt it with. I am beginning to see how being single actually means lots of freedom, and freedom is good. just gotta keep myself above the surface for a few more weeks, I suppose.

     last night was nice. haven’t genuinely pulled an all-nighter since middle school, but today I made it. we watched the sun come up.
     just need to find something to do with myself tonight. it’s five o’clock, and I’ve only been awake for 2 hours. wish I had my car, damn it. I have something to do, but no way to get there.
     so here I sit, content but restless. a little listless, too, actually. where are my darlings? they do not answer their phones.

     shit stacks up. shall we have a little whine? just a little, to wash down another scintillating day.
     still not resolved on any count. add to everything else: family issues on all fronts, something stupid going on with my health, my own mindless head.
     on the other side of things, some little birdies are still being good to me. got in touch with a few who had strayed from the flock. got a phone call last night that led to jell-o and laughing, and comfy silences and warmth that I’ve missed.
     really, though, what am I doing, other than stumbling? I can’t even remember this morning, or how good I felt last night, or the warm parts of the past few months. just flashing a couple glimpses over and over in my head, holding onto the shame like I ought to be holding onto what I know to be fact.
     ooh, and I make no sense. but I make it through a few days without crying, so we will call that a victory. we will call it a novelty.

“when it’s my moment in the sun, oh, how beautiful I’ll be – but in a normal sort of way – like I am you, and you are me.”
     I don’t know. it’s good. clem snide wiggles down in there between my tummy and my heart and curls up and radiates, and I appreciate it.
     so… how do we move onward? we let go, really let go. set that pile of shit on fire. close the eyes and tilt back the head and sleep hard.